Ms. Awesome’s Advice for Men
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Ms. Awesome is here to tell you how it IS. Of course you mens wanna get laid ’cause that’s just how complex you are. But you gotta have some game to get laid on a regular basis. Follow these 10 pointers and maybe you’ll hit some.
1. Don’t wear a white baseball cap backwards. A baseball cap? Backwards? The only instance it should be on backwards is when you are giving your Theta Dau bros a blowjob.
2. Shave Your Balls. Your area is not attractive and has never been. The least you can do is shave the nards so when you’re dogging me, your prickly balls slamming against my ass is not going to give me rug burn, you dig? While you’re at it, shave that nasty ass crack too.
3. The 2 AM Rule. We loves having drunk-sex-hookups as much as the next person, but if you wanna hit you some of this, don’t wait until last call to grow a pair and ask us to take the party to your digs. If you’re slurring your words and tripping over stools in a bar, we will definitely not want to go home with you. We wants you to go away.
4. Don’t Show Me Your Cum Face (Or Your Record Collection). Unless we are dating on a regular basis and half-semi-serious, we don’t need to see your secret face nor will we be impressed by your “sweet” record collection. Whether it’s the German-edition of rare MSTRKRFT singles, original The Band LPs, or rare jazz albums, Ms. Awesome gets it: you went to a liberal arts school and you have cultivated “taste”. Ms. Awesome also knows you are most likely over-educated and likely to overanalyze your budding relationship when she just wants you to shut up and do your job.
5. No One Cares About Your Stupid Team. The same way that our gossip magazine guilty pleasure isn’t sexy to you, your hard-on for the NCAA brackets and defensive diatribes about your love for A-Fraud isn’t sexy to Ms. Awesome. If you’re gonna be a meathead, keep it at Brother Jimmy’s where we don’t have to deal with you. And wipe your greasy mouth before trying to kiss Ms. Awesome.
6. Old Enough to Lose the Roommates. If you’re pushing 40, do not live with roommates. Ms. Awesome knows that times are tough and blings are down, but any man within 5 years of age 40 simply should not be continuing to live with 20-somethings. Ms. Awesome says she rather you go and live by yourself in frat-boy-laden Hoboken than live on the LES with roommates and no toilet paper. Speaking of toilet paper….
7. Go to Costco. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve had to drip dry and shake dry, make-due with the gluey shred of paper that’s left on the EMPTY cardboard paper roll, or ask if you have coffee filters, I would have enough dough to buy every man in this city a backup roll of Charmin Ultra (yes, Charmin Ultra. Mama doesn’t need to wipe with nasty .99 cent bodega sandpaper with rat bites on the side). Go to Costco or buy a big ole’ pack from Duane Wayne, – keep back-ups of toilet paper for cryin’ (my vagina) out loud.
8. Learn How to Kiss. It is NOT sexy to have a dude roll his limp tongue around the inside of Ms. Awesome’s mouth whilst getting his saliva halfway down my chin. Become a connoisseur of kissing – learn how to suck on lips, keep your saliva in your own mouth and find a good make-out pace. Ms. Awesome doesn’t have time to teach a grown man how to kiss (or raise your child, or pay your bills, or listen to how important you are at work) – if you’re not already properly trained in this area, we will drop you like an old coke habit and find a real man who can kiss.
9. NO, NO, NO Jack Rabbit Sex. For the love of GOD – we are NOT your palm/sock/picture-of-Angelina that you jack off with, nor is her vagina. It is NOT pleasurable to have you re-enact your masturbation routine inside of a lady. Learn some moves, change things up – slow and steady build-up thrusts garner our moans. NOT fast, quick and pounding thrusts. We’d rather use our own Rabbit than be subjected to this jack rabbit charade game nonsense.
10. Keep your tip away.Just because Vince Vaughn said it, doesn’t mean you can act on it, boy! Ms. Awesome was not born yesterday. Why you so stoopid, boy??? “Just the tip”, you say?? Ms. Awesome gonna give you a TIP, stoopid – the TIP of my nails in your asshole, asshole! The only TIP Ms. Awesome wants is benjamins. You understand me? Ms. Awesome doesn’t want your herpes – no jimmy hats on your TIP? No TIP anywhere NEAR Ms. Awesome’s awesome vagina.