The Four Horsemen of a Relationship Apocalypse
I’ve been reading a book by John Gottman called “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail” and it occurred to me, as I was reading, that a lot of this information would be helpful in dating relationships as well. For the next few days I am going to share excerpts from a concept that he calls the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Warning Signs” and see what you all think about these warning signs applying to pre-marriage relationships as well as marriages.
The First Horseman: Criticism
“Criticism involves attacking someones personality or character – rather than specific behavior – usually with blame….Since few couples can completely avoid criticising each other now and then, the first horseman often takes up residence even in relatively healthy marriages….Complaining, on the other hand, can be one of the healthiest activities in a marriage. Expressing anger and disagreement – airing a complaint – makes the marriage stronger in the long run than suppressing the complaint…which one day may explode in a barrage of criticism.”
Criticism vs. Complaint “What is the difference? Complaint is a specific statement of anger, displeasure, distress or other negativity. For example, ‘I am very upset that you didn’t ask me about how my day went but just talked about your day all through dinner.’ Criticism is much less specific: it is more global; it may have blaming in it. For example, ‘You never show interest in me or my work. You just don’t care about me.”
Being critical is not evil; it can begin innocently enough and is often the expression of pent-up, unresolved anger. It may be one of those natural self-destruct mechanisms inherent in all personal relationships. Problems occur when criticism becomes so pervasive – or one partner is so sensitive to it – that it corrodes the marriage.”
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I’ve always been one of those sensitive to criticism types and have worked on toughening up the outer layer for years — after all, I am a writer AND an editor. *grin* So, I’m typically very aware of how someone approaches me when they need to convey displeasure with something I’ve done or said. In the past, when a guy started down the negative trail, it’s was always a sure-fire way to shut me down. So for years I wondered if, perhaps, I was just too sensitive.
A while back, I was talking about this whole “over-sensitivity” concept with a close friend and she shared her secret (likely from therapy since she is a therapist by trade.) She explained, that starting a sentence with “you” and following it with something negative will almost always blow up the conversation before it can even happen (the finger pointing is implied by this approach.) Whether the person stuffed their anger or blew it out, they were no longer open to hearing what the complainer had to say. (I had a second epiphany here — that I’d always been a stuffer. Another self-project in the correction basket. Anyway…) She continued to advise that I start with an “I” and then how it makes me feel, in order to be heard without shutting down communication. I took that advice to heart but let me tell you — its been YEARS of practice to get out of that “you” habit. (I had no idea how thoroughly ingrained it was and it’s likely why so many of those conversations didn’t go so well.)
I like how Gottman divides criticism and complaint. We’ve all been in or witnessed those relationships where one person just stuff, stuff, stuffs until one day someone blows a gasket over something seemingly inconsequential at the time. Or experienced a situation where it was nothing but critical and the relationship dies a slow death as the love is strangled right out of the room. Its crucial to find that healthy place to express needs without being critical, but it can be really hard to navigate between the two sometimes. (And sometimes it just feels like you’ve been doing nothing but talking the relationship to death — which always seems to lead to critical conversations. I’m a big fan of doing something fun together at this point so you remember what you love about each other and then coming back to the issue — if you still need to.)
Do you have any tips to share about seeing warning signs or how to deal with negative feedback? What do you think about staying in a relationship with a criticiser?