The Painful Friends With Benefits Cycle
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I find it hard to believe that it has taken this long for movies about friends with benefits and f*ck buddies to come out, but since that No Strings Attached and Friends With Benefits are movies were released, I thought I would dish on my experience with having a “behind closed doors” friend I met on a dating personals ad. (Shameful but true!)
I don’t know if it’s just me, but the whole f*ck buddy phenomenon occurred when everybody around me had text messaging available on their cell phones. It was the summer of 2004 and my girlfriend had just dumped me for a Persian Gino named Stefano. (Just like the characters in Days of Our Lives, Stefano was the very bane of my existence.)
I then decided that I would go on a Toronto based online personals site where you can meet people in your city. (You see, this was before Facebook was popular and when MySpace was all the rage.)
I met this pretty girl named Violet. She was sweet, insecure and honestly suffered from horrible boyfriends in the past. She told me about how all guys had used her for sex and really, I knew at the point in time in my life, that I would just be another horrible statistic in her love life. I told her what every decent guy should say to a girl who seems to be expecting more. I told her I wasn’t looking for a relationship at the moment. Every guy thinks just by saying this, that they can not be blamed for hurt feelings afterwards. Boy, is that stupid.
Surprisingly, (at the time) she had no problems with that. She nodded her head and said she was just looking for a fun time too. I sighed with relief and then we started to actually have a fun date from then on in. Then came the alcohol.
oops...
I should have realized what she was doing at the time. I should have never gone to her apartment and let her jump on me as fast as she did. I was still under the impression that she was just looking for a no strings attached hookup. I was wrong…so very wrong.
At first, everything was great. We met every week and had a great time. She always wanted me to stay longer than I wanted to, but I didn’t see that as a bad sign.
Then she started sending me more frequent texts and they were not all sex-related. I realized that I had to start to cut the imaginary strings she thought were really there. Plus, I found myself falling for another girl I had met through my best friend. She was not smarter or prettier than my f*ck buddy, but there was a connection.
I went to Violet’s and told her that I have started dating somebody else. To my surprise, (again…at the time) she was devastated. She started crying and told me that I used her like every other guy has used her before. Like every immature guy, I told her from the beginning that I didn’t want anything serious and that she knew that. The truth was, we were both wrong. I had immediately thought that just because I said I didn’t want anything serious with her, that it was my “Get out of jail” card so to speak. And she had thought that having sex with her would make me want to be in a relationship with her.
I saw the signs. I knew she had feelings for me. Yet, I let my other head do the thinking and that was wrong. I knew I had crushed her, but I was so infatuated with the other girl that I simply didn’t care her world was being torn apart. Violet kicked me out of her house and told me she never wanted to hear from me again.
Five months passed and needless to say, things didn’t work out with the other girl. Ironically, like clock work, I received a text from Violet simply asking me how I was doing. I should have kept to one word responses but we always had great conversations and a part of me missed our friendship that never was.
One text turned into ten texts and then that night she invited me to come over to her place to drink some beer and watch some movies. I should have declined. I should have told her that I was busy. But, I told myself, ‘It’s been months. She’s over it.’
I went over to her place and she was calm and collected. She was the cool girl I had once met on a great blind date. We talked, we watched bad movies and then the alcohol came back into play. She then laid her head on my lap while watching the movie and tickled my stubble with her finger tips. She told me she liked it when I didn’t shave.
And it starts...
Again, at that point, I should have bailed. I should have just told her I wasn’t interested in having a relationship with her. I should have told her that she would think I was going to break her heart all over again when really she hadn’t gotten over the first guy (probably her father) that brought her so many abandonment issues in her life. But no, instead I kissed her and of course we slept together after that.
The next day, I realized we had just repeated the same cycle, but somehow, I would be the bad guy at the end of the day. I told her on the phone that nothing had changed and that I still didn’t want a relationship. The string of obscenities I heard would make Denis Leary blush.
I avoided her for weeks on end. She drunk dialed me, drunk text me and even left a voice message saying that she needed to take a pregnancy test. I didn’t budge. I kept avoiding her. I was tired of bringing out the worst in her.
Years have passed and I’m glad to say that things are different now. I actually bumped into Violet the other day with her new boyfriend. She looked happy and in love. I was happy for her…well right up until she sent her boyfriend chasing after me. I guess things will never change.
The point of this long-winded personal confession is that there is no such thing has having a friends with benefits. There are no benefits and you’re really not friends, because if you were, you would never treat them that poorly.
Take responsibility for your actions and learn from the experience and move on. If you are mature, you will realize that 8 minute drunken sex is just not worth the consequences afterwards.